You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
