so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
operation harelip BJ is a go
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
