No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
