Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
