i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
