Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
