If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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