I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020