he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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