What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
