Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She's the barista slut.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
