I wish I could punch you in the face.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
