I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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