is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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