I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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