I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
