I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
