I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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