i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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