I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
