I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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