I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
