you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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