my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
