Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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