Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
sarcasm needs its own font
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
