My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
