Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
