How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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