Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
