12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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