When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
