just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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