Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
