i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
