seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
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mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC