The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I booty called her while she was in labor.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The convent might be a nice break from real life
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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