it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
