I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
