fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
