Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
