I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
