you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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