apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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