I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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