So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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