my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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