ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
