I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
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Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
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That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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