I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
