U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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