if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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