I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
