Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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