what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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