You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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