This is not my ceiling
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
